we watched lost in translation, which is one of my favorite movies. it was really cool, until after it was over the first thing this idiot said was “that was boring as hell”. it made me really mad, because he’s such an idiot. but then it got worse because other douchebags were like “yeah that movie is for women”, and then i just exploded because this girl tried to defend the movie by saying “yall don’t get it, yall are men”. but she sounded so stupid and everything turned into a big fucking joke, especially when sofia copolla’s name came on the screen, because somehow that proves that it’s a movie for woman? like what does that even mean? why does it matter? i was just really upset because it’s sad to see how many complete retards i have to share classes with. fuck.
after we watched the first 20 minutes of bridesmaids, and the whole class like, fucking cheered when the professor said he was gonna play that/use it as an example of a different kind of movie. i was disgusted. i’ve never seen bridesmaids before, but i thought it was stupid how people can get so excited for something so shallow instead of an actually original and beautiful movie. but then i kinda liked bridesmaids too.
and now i’m doing the radio show, and someone took down the diamond rings poster in the studio. today is a bad day.
feeling the same empty feeling I’ve been feeling. It’s not like miserable or anything, but i didn’t expect it to last. The past 4 days or so all blend into one. I turned 21 last monday. I’m so fucking thankful for everyone who came and helped me celebrate. I really appreciate it, it means a lot to know you guys care. It’s all I can ask for, and it makes me feel guilty for feeling slightly unsatisfied with how the night ended. I shouldn’t, at all, because what happened monday was more than enough for an excellent birthday, it’s just that I wish ALL the people I care about came out and helped me celebrate instead of only a few of them. It kinda hurt because it seemed like they were all doing more important things and didn’t care as much as I thought they should. But then I feel like a fucking prima donna, and I feel guilty for being selfish. I guess my feelings shouldn’t have been hurt by it. It was a monday night. A school night. The semester is still going on. Just because I wasn’t giving a fuck about school for those few days doesn’t mean I should have expected everyone else to as well. But still, it felt kinda shitty. It’s why I don’t like being vulnerable, or putting much weight into anything/anyone, because it sucks so bad when you get let down.
But besides that, I had a great birthday. I woke up, met my family at Brasil. It was nice, I’m glad I got to share a place I love to be at with my family. They had never been, and they liked it. My dad said it felt like Austin, I got kinda mad haha. I refuse to admit Brasil has Austin-vibes. Just because it’s kinda artsy and nice doesn’t mean it’s from fucking Austin. Houston is just as fucking good in it’s own way. The fact that I feel rejected by that city fuels my growing dissatisfaction for it, but I mean it definitely lost it’s appeal in more ways than one. The stigma it has is kinda bullshit. It’s the epitome of everything I kinda hate, “everyone is different in the same exact way”. It’s all a big cliche. Everyone looks the same. Everyone is either really fucking fratty with nike shorts and tanks and oversized fishing shirts and wranglers, or everyone is a wanna-be hipster who likes to smoke weed. Everyone is rich and white. The only “weird” part of Austin are the actual hipsters, who are homeless people, and they fucking suck. I’ll still visit, it’s a fun little getaway for music festivals and SXSW. But I can literally do everything I enjoy doing in Houston, and I like it a lot better. When I heard Emo’s is closing down I wasn’t even sad, it was just whatever. Some of my favorite shows I’ve seen where in Emo’s, but still. Fitzgeralds is my new Emo’s. Anyway, back to my birthday…
After Brasil we went to the Farmer’s Market on airline and the Mexican bakery, and then my family went back to Cypress, and I went straight to Spec’s. Spec’s was everything I ever wanted and more, it’s so beautiful. I stocked up and then drove home, brought 6 Lonestar tall boys and a flask full of Bushmills Irish Whiskey to the Coog Radio studio for the radio show with Solomon. I’m sorry for anyone who listened, it was definitely the show I cared the least about, and Solomon and I just drank the whole time. Conner, the station director stopped by for a surprise visit, commented on the stale beer smell, and then took some swigs from the flask. Go coogs. After we went back home, drank and chilled more and people started coming over. We departed for Poison Girl like, before 11. It felt a lot later, I guess cause I had already started drinking. I remember I was by the bar and Jimmy told me it was only 11:30 and I was like “what the fuck”. Poison Girl was fun, I had fun with Jamee and Yuval and Solomon and Yimmy, even though 38 year old dudes make douchebag comments, and feel entitled to be dicks. But I’ll hit an old man, idgaf. I don’t really remember the last part of the night, but Solomon was puking on Westheimer and we had to leave. I got home around 1:30, and just went to sleep. I wanted to sleep forever but I couldn’t. I woke up at like 8:30, really thirsty. It wasn’t my birthday anymore, and all Tuesday I just lived like a shlep. I didn’t go to class-even though I totally could. Jamee, Drab, Solomon, and this random Asian girl from Drab’s Latin class and I went to Chapultepec for hangover cures/Mexican food. It was good, even though I couldn’t/didn’t really feel like eating. Solomon puked in the bathroom again. We got back, they all went to class, and I just stayed home, on my couch, playing guitar and kinda cleaning. I went to Fiesta and spent more money on alcohol, and came back and sat around drinking gin and ginger ale. I had the house to myself, and that’s when the emptiness started. I hated living like that, so lazily. I thought it would be fun, but it sucked. I couldn’t imagine doing that every single day. I guess it’s a good thing, but still. I just sat around, I could feel a rut coming on. Drab eventually came home, but Solomon just rode the bus back to his house and left his bike at our place, because he was too sick. And then Dustin and Eric went back to Seabrook, and Matt went to work, and it was just Drab and I. We picked up Chad, and just sat and chilled. I acted impulsively for the first time in my life probably. I thought it would help me not feel so shitty, and I went out and got my nose pierced. I’ve been thinking about doing it, but I didn’t think I actually would, and I wasn’t going to, but then I figured what the fuck, I just turned 21 and when am I ever going to be this young again. I’m kind already not young, and it was passing me by, so I just did it. Drab, Chad and I went to 713 Tattoo Parlor. I wanted Matt to be there so we could have tattoo cred, because I definitely felt judged going in. But the guy who did it was real cool. I have a tiny 18g black stud in there right now, I wanted to get something not noticeable so work wouldn’t say anything. I wanna put a hoop through it, but I can’t wear it while I work. So I’m keeping the stud in there for 6 weeks or whatever, then I’ll put the hoop in and switch it back out for the stud when I have to work. I guess/hope that’s possible, I need to better educate myself with piercings. But yeah, after that, which was fun, Drab’s sister came and took Drab and Chad back to Cypress, so I was alone, again. I went to Yuval’s dorm and watched a movie. It was nice, felt like freshman year when we lived together in Moody Towers and had movie night once a week. I came home around 1:30 again, to an empty house, smoked a fat birthday bowl in my bathroom like a true shlep, and then went to sleep. It was the best sleep I’ve had in awhile. I prolly would have been too scared to be all alone in a big house in third ward without the weed. But yeah, things were less scary in the morning but I was still alone. I got up, showered for the first time in a couple days, and came to my parent’s house, where I will try to be productive and make me feel not dirty/shitty/empty, because the past 3 days took a lot out of me.
Looking forward to the rest of my life. I hope things change. I know things will. It just doesn’t seem like they will from this end of the spectrum. But things will happen. Things will change, for the better.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, it’ll be fun. I can’t wait for post-Thanksgiving meal leftovers, when I can make ham/stuffing/turkey/cranberry/macaroni and cheese sandwiches and watch football. I’m getting really hungry just thinking about it.
the first time i heard this song i hated it. his voice. but then i couldn’t get it out of my head, and i had to listen to it again and again. and then i finally downloaded it. i still can’t tell if i like it. but i do know i like to listen to it. if that makes any sense.
it feels weird. i went to maple leaf pub to watch the dynamo game. i ordered a coke cause it was like 9:30pm and i wasn’t old enough to buy a beer yet.. but then i came back home and played video games till midnight with yuval, and went to the cougar den on campus. he bought me a shiner, and i got a free shot of jager. it was kinda gross. i’m kinda drunk. not from the coke and beer and jager shot though, i’ve been steady drinking since i got off work. but i’m sad cause this is the last birthday i can look forward to. it’s all downhill from here. i’m about to literally dread every birthday from now until i die. it’s the last birthday i’m going to be happy to celebrate. every year for the past 21 years i’ve been so happy (maybe not the last 3 or 4, i’ve been really sad/miserable since i was like 17). but i’m really really glad i can spend this time with people i actually care about/love. i feel like a pussy saying love, but i’m so glad the people i love are in my life. i have class tomorrow. i’m not going to class. i’m 21. i’m going to specs. i’m getting real drunk. i’m having a good ass time. but still. i’m not little anymore. i’m kinda a grown ass man. i wish i was mature enough to match my age. instead i laugh at everything and spend my days making potty jokes with my equally immature roommates. but i’m 21. lets go to a bar. or if you’re not 21, let me buy you beer.
i’m meeting my mom at brasil tomorrow, because it’s her birthday too. my mother and i have the same birthday, fun fact.
i remember last year when i turned 20 i made a sappy ass post about my life and how i felt. i can’t believe that was a year ago. i can’t believe i’m a year older. i can’t believe i don’t feel the same way. i don’t know how i feel. but i know it’s not the same. we’ll see how things go from here. but it’s my birthday. i am happy.
i’m gonna watch dexter. cause it’s my birthday and it’s what i wanna do.
and it’s only 1pm. I just bought my second venti iced coffee. My sleeping habits are out of control. I woke up on my couch a little before 8:30 this morning. I couldn’t sleep, I started a movie at 3am, one I needed to watch for a class, and I only remember about an hour of it. I guess I’ll try watching it again tonight. I walked to campus again, because my bike is out of commission for the time being. I need to take it to Blue Line tomorrow, because no one in my house is capable of putting a back tire on. I think the tube is too small. Anyway I’ve been on campus since 10, I have my 2nd to last polisci test at 3. I’m meeting my Irish Lit professor at 4 to talk about my research paper, the first draft of which is due on Tuesday, the day after 21st birthday. Its gonna be a stretch getting it done this weekend, before I drink myself into oblivion. I have class again at 5:30, and then I need to find a ride back to my house around 8:30, cause I’m too scared to walk back. I’m running on 4 hours of sleep, cigarettes and lots of coffee. I hate everything. But I’m taking this long ass day one hour at a time. I have an hour and 35 minutes to study for this test. And then another 5 hours of being on this campus. I also need to eat at some point. We’ll see how that works out. Normally when I’m this overwhelmed I’m stressed as fuck. But I’m glad I don’t have to worry about anyone or anything else. I can just concentrate on my own shit, get it done as best I can, and just irritable and pissed and miserable on my own. Until my birdday. Then I’ll love everyone again and hopefully be in a permanent drunken stupor. Until then, fuck off.
i forgot how awesome/how much i love boys night out. i would come home every day from school my freshman year of high school, search purevolume for boys night out, and listen to this song over and over again.
we all pitched plot ideas for our final assignment of the semester, writing an actual screenplay. needless to say, there aren’t any christopher nolans in my class. in fact i’m not sure if there are any literate people in my class. i don’t know what i hate more, the fact that i think i’m constantly surrounded by fucking retards or that i actually am constantly surrounded by fucking retards. i think i am a fucking retard. but that’s not the point i’m trying to make. this is actually almost verbatim what this (black) girl in my class told to everyone (let it be known she’s an aspiring actress and supposedly was on an episode of As the Bell Rings. but honestly, who the fuck wasn’t).
"Uh, there’s this little boy, and he’s real quite, and he doesn’t talk much, and his family, dey christians, but uh, his dad, is in da mafia, so he grows up questioning himself and his faith, cause he sees all this stuff, and then his family, dey go to church."
my face was in kinda suspended in disbelief of what i just heard, and in my head i was like “what the fuck is wrong with everybody”. if my professor doesn’t hate himself, i hate myself enough for the both of us. university of houston best n brightest go cooooooogs!
“Thank you for buying our brand new record! The lyrics on this record are very personal to us and come from things that have happened to us in the past few months. So even though some of the songs seam pretty negative and pretty bleak, we want everyone to know that these songs are about not wasting your time trying to impress people who don’t care enough to call you when you’re gone for months at a time. It’s also about not holding back or biting your tongue when you have something that you need to get off your chest. Find true lasting friendships and stick with them. Don’t hold your breath waiting for bad relationships to get better or bad situations to somehow turn good. Don’t bite your tongue when what you need to say keeps you up at night and weighs on your mind.”—
Jake, from Handguns.
this is written on the lyrics sheet to Don’t Bite Your Tongue. Great album by a great band that I admire. shit like this really makes you feel connected, like you’re apart of something. i feel like this aspect is really lacking from almost all other forms of music. but not here. handguns family.
“Well known, alas, is the case of the poor German who was very fond of three and who made each aspect of his life a thing of triads. He went home one evening and drank three cups of tea with three lumps of sugar in each cup, cut his jugular with a razor three times and scrawled with a dying hand on a picture of his wife good-bye, good-bye, good-bye.”—the closing to quite possibly my new favorite book, At Swim-Two-Birds by Flann O’Brien
there is nothing i hate more than riding my bike in the rain
fucks up your day so bad. the nice shirt i was wearing is speckled with mud splashback. so are my shorts. definitely glad i wore shorts, because the only thing worse than wet socks is wet jeans. it sucks cause you don’t want to sit on the seat because it gets really cold and uncomfortable, and then you look stupid because the seat of your pants gets wet and it looks like you shit yourself, so you try not to sit on the seat but your arms get kinda tired and it’s really uncomfortable. that’s what i do/did anyway. eventually i gave in and sat down cause i was tired. also your tires skid like a bitch and it’s really scary cause your brakes don’t really work that well. i was taking my usual route home from campus and forgot that they fenced off this sidewalk that leads to wheeler street, and i made a hard turn down a sidewalk that ended at a curb and dumped me into a parking lot, between two parked cars. i tried to squeeze through and definitely didn’t make it, my right shoulder/side scraped the car. i don’t think my bike scratched it though, but i was too embarrassed to go back and check. it got sunny and stopped raining about halfway through my ride, only to start coming down again as i made it home and was unlocking the gate. worst 20 minutes of my life. fuck rain.
too mad. buying vinyl online and then taking a long ass nap to make me feel better.
that when i called about a citation i got two weeks ago in cypress, for an expired vehicle inspection sticker, the lady i talked to said there was no citation processed yet. that the officer who issued me the citation hasn’t turned it in, and when she searches my name nothing shows up on her database. she gave me a website and said to search my name, and when the citation is processed it’ll show up there and i can bring 10 dollars and proof of insurance to the courthouse and take it’ll be taken care of.
but when i go to the same website she gave me, and search for my name, a warrant for my arrest pops up from the same stupid minor in consumption of alcohol case i got at UH almost a year ago. 325 days ago, apparently. i’ve missed court three times, and my bond is 500 dollars. what the fuck. kinda scared.