buying screenwriting software. but it’s $186 on amazon. i wish shit didn’t cost so much money, i can’t imagine what i’m gonna do when i have to fucking pay for a house mortgage and car bills and shit. but maybe i can use this 186 as an investment for the future, like if i drop this 186 now i can write a kick ass script and sell it to a bullshit movie company and get a career going and shit. i mean i have plenty of really awesome ideas but i can’t share them on tumblr. (cause people will steal them). but maybe dreams should stay dreams, so they always seem beautiful and you have something to look forward to. <—- thats what i tell myself cause i’m scared to get started and then i won’t finish cause i’m a little kid who never follows through with anything, and maybe my ideas aren’t as good as i think they are, i need a master splinter or something, or a mr feeney, to keep me motivated and tell me to keep keepin’ on and follow my dreams shit. fuck man i just wanna keep watching it’s always sunny in philadelphia, the next episode is where sweet d does steroids. oh and one day i want so much money where i don’t have to think about anything, especially money. like pay someone to count and keep track of my money and do the thing rich people do where they turn money into more money. i think an accountant, or an investment banker is the word i’m looking for. or maybe not, i wouldn’t know cause i don’t have enough money for one those things. i keep all my money on my checking account, what the fuck i prolly can’t live like that for too much longer, i’m almost 20. but i think that would be kinda tight to be like 34 and not have a savings account and just pay shit off my credit card. so potential ladies take note, i’m gonna (maybe) be so famous i’ll pay bills off the same credit card i’ve had since i was 16. i don’t like change.
but i think i’ll close this by stating the obvious: katy perry is really fucking hot.
it’s weird how i can like a little pop-punk band so much. it gets me pumped, feelin all youthful and shit. but even the lyrics are so fucking awesome. i’ve been on the lookout for the past like 3 months trying to see if they’re passing through houston again. but seriously do yourself a favor and at least get your hands on this ep:
keep an open mind, don’t take it too seriously at first cause it’ll grow on you and you’ll wanna listen to fireworks and you don’t know why. but then after awhile you know why, it’s cause they’re fucking awesome.
Friends are your friends not your fucking competition.
I spend the majority of my time standing by the bar and I overhear people’s conversations. Not because I want to, I just can’t help it. And a lot of the time I’m reminded as to just how fucking stupid people are. Like I’ve worked there almost a year and I’ve heard intelligent people converse like twice. Anyway today at like 6:30 this lady prolly in her mid to late 20s was like “I can’t believe the USA lost to fucking Ghana, what the hell this is America how are we not good at soccer? Like how can we be so great at everything else but not soccer? We’re literally awesome at everything, except soccer it doesn’t make sense”. What doesn’t make sense is if America is so great and awesome, why do we let an ignorant dog-faced bitch like you live in this country? I hate literally everybody.
I’m on the cusp of a big lifestyle change. But it’s a big cusp. A big sobering cusp. And maybe that’s what life is. A big fucking experience that’s over your head until you’re sober enough to get the real picture. However, some stuff I just don’t want to be sober for. It’s not that I can’t handle them/it while sober, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to change everything I’m doing cause the whole thing isn’t broke, just parts of it. I can’t wrap my head around certain things, and that’s why I’m on the other side of the cusp. I’ve had some time away, and it’s been nice. I don’t need substances. I found alternate forms entertainment. I mean I guess I still like the way I was living before, it wasn’t bad. Just feeling static weighs be down. I felt like I wasn’t going anywhere. I wasn’t moving, and I could tell I’d start to sink eventually. I wish there was a way where I can change mostly, but still remain the same a lil bit. Have it both ways. Have my cake and eat it too. And that in itself is why I’m not ready to change. I’m scared and nervous and unsure, not completely trusting. Everything I’ve gathered and studied tells me I absolutely WON’T change or truly find happiness and joy and acceptance and unparalleled love and success beyond measurable comprehension unless I TOTALLY change the way I’ve been living the past 19 years. The resentment I have towards the change is the telling factor, it reminds me all the thoughts I’ve have about this are a farce, it’s just a lie I tell myself to help me get by. I don’t really and truly believe, I’m not ready. But no lie, I do feel better. I’ve started the transition ever so slightly, and my life did improve over time. I’m in a better place than I was a couple years ago. I was a scared little 17 year old shit who didn’t give two fucks one way or the other, who didn’t have an opinion on this matter and was content with being alone in the universe and wanted to face it alone, head on, gut it out for myself and only myself. But now I’m an unsure 19 year old boy who realizes just how foolish it is to reject help. It’s right there, for literally everyone. He does not care one way or other either, you can reject His love no skin off His back. You’re not doing Him any favors, but it’s there on the table. The tools. The love. The promise. It is what you make of it. I’ve come to terms with all of this, and yet STILL I don’t know if it’s what I want. I’ve experienced the most minuscule example of what it can do, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to accept it. I’m not convinced. And that’s just where the leap of faith comes in. Close my eyes and jump. I know what’s going to happen though, something is going to catch me, and all signs point and tell me it will be the best decision of my life, and yet still I remain. It’s bad habits I guess. My trip to the dentist today confirmed I have bad habits, I need to floss more.
Also, I’ve given much thought as to why some choose to reject Christianity and religion in general. I’ve found contradictions just like some (or so they think) find contradictions in the Bible, which further proves that man is fallible, no matter how strong or right they think they are. IF one is truly content with being the center of his universe, whole-heartedly believes there’s no such thing as a higher power, and rejects the concept of God, why is he constantly trying to alter his own perception of reality? If the answers are out there for science to find, is a drug-indunced trip going to enlighten them? I don’t understand how one can prefer that to the concept of God. If the answers aren’t there for one to find through religion, are you going to discover them through your acid-colored glasses? If it’s up to you to find truths about yourself and the world you live in, how are drugs beneficial to the task at hand/your health? I just don’t see what good can come from using, can’t see how you’re productive. Except this. —_>http://www.sirbacon.org/4membersonly/docellis.htm. Furreal, that’s pretty badass. And I’m not saying one can’t be a productive and suitable member of society while using drugs, I’m not saying drugs are bad, idgaf what you chose to do with your life, (but hope someday you can be more open to the concept of religion/see where I’m coming from), but I’m saying if you condone religion and reject looking to God for answers, why do you instead want to search for something in drugs? What makes them so appealing other than altering your godless world, where you’re at the epicenter, and on your own in finding out life’s answers? All of this is purely on my own assumption I’m making about atheists being drug users. I know it’s dumb to assume and all of this can be completely wrong, but it’s how I see it and what I make of it. And also, making assumptions about Christians as a whole is exactly what atheists do, so I think it’s fair. But yeah, cool. Goodnight.
buuuuuut also many things remain certain. For example, driving at night has to be the most relaxing, peaceful, wonderful, and refreshing experiences known to man. I’m always down for a night drive, alone or with another, just music, highway, and thoughts.
Also I love downtown Houston. Even on a Monday night without shit to do, I still managed to enjoy myself. California Girls by Katy Perry is so fucking awesome and catchy, especially late at night on Richmond. Car dancing is equally exhilarating and refreshing as night driving. It’s definitely summer in the city. Long hot humid nights. Wouldn’t wanna have it any other way.
and i haven’t decided what I’m concluding with tonight. it’s a toss up between rushmore and orange county. or children of men, depending how my mood is. i need to buy more dvds instead of just downloading movies. i mean besides the being free part, dvds are better. tangible, physical, and better. anyway join me for next movie week plz.
idgaf how cliche or corny this song is, i love it. there’s time where all I wanna listen to is Playradioplay!, I can’t explain it, they’re just nice songs. I miss those early high school days when it wasn’t embarrassing to listen to shitty crappy electronic love songs. I guess I’ll just never mature past them, I’ll be like 35 and blasting Playradioplay! and Hellogoodbye while I drop my kids off at school. Just fucking kidding I’m never having kids ever.
movies make me uncomfortable. Uneasy, worried, awkward. The feeling that flutters in your chest and kinda stays there and makes you squirm where you are. It’s even better when you’ve seen the movie before. You know what’s coming, you can’t avoid it. But the movie is too good to stop watching. I remember when I saw Million Dollar Baby at the movie theater. I saw it with my family, and it was probably the last time I shed tears at the theater. Clint Eastwood and Hilary Swank get me everytime. It’s a movie I can only watch every so often cause it rips me up. But it’s so good, I love it, and I love this feeling. It’s beautiful, getting crushed like this. The tears always come, one of the few movies that always gets me. I like it. Makes me know that I’m still here.
pisses me off so much. It’s more gross than sharing a communal shower with 30 other (black) dudes. Seriously, moving back in was the worst idea I’ve had in awhile. I love Cypress and my family, but holy shit I need my own place.
you keep me balanced and settled and i’m in debt to you all endlessly.
I’m just kind of now realizing there are plenty of people in this world I miss. Some I can’t see again, some I’m too proud to see again, and some I’ll see pretty soon. It’s funny about how you can only know someone for a few months, a few weeks, or even a few seconds and you miss them down the road. Like the comfort level slowly got peeled away, layers and layers wore off and you’re sad and you don’t know why. Truth is though, you do. It’s not the same without certain people in your life, even if you don’t want to admit it. The people who you surround yourself with make you who you are. Your character comes out when it’s pitted against someone else’s. Common interests make your interests much more meaningful. Camaraderie is important, as is exchanging pleasantries, and just knowing your presence is liked is nice. Like if you mean just a little to someone in the world, it’s worth it. But once it’s gone, everything else leaves too. If I could go back and mend every single friendship I’ve neglected, I would. Can’t have too many friends. Cause it’s lonely days like these where I really value the friends I do have. Still makes me think of the past though, and what could have been.
Today had lots of weird discoveries/instances. Liiike smoking weed in a strangers room while they’re parents are downstairs. Cool right? It’s just strange situation, like if you’re old enough to responsibly smoke weed and be cool about it why are you still at your parents house? I mean shit, I’m not tryna judge, I don’t know situations, but I guess there’s a line. Like weed isn’t important enough to me to have to smoke that shit inside a house with my parents. It makes me feel like a little kid tryna sneak cookies inside my room without my parents noticing. Except it’s weed. It’s not worth it, ya know? Maybe I just feel guilty, like I should have some shred of responsibility and respect for old people. But hey, maybe the parents smoke weed with this guy. In that case it’s a whole new can of worms. Still awkward worms though.
Also, it’s kinda weird how covers can sound so much better than actual songs. Like every single Fleetwood Mac song sucks ass, but The Morning Benders cover of “Dreams” is so fucking awesome. I mean sometimes both covers and originals are good, but for some reason I usually like the cover more. If I ever become a famous musician I’m gonna do as my covers as I can. I’ve spent too many years of my life loving/obsessing over songs to not try a hand at em. It might be a shitty hand, but it’ll be in good taste, like a tribute. Try your best and not be scared.
Try your best and not be scared. Try your best and not be scared. Try your best and not be scared. New approach. I’ve realized the major I’ve picked involves total dedication with high risk and little to no reward. Like you gotta go after jobs and internships and opportunities, and that sucks for someone with no ambition. Like me. I mean I don’t have ambition, nigga I got plenty dreams, it’s just that I’ve grown too lazy. It’s disgusting how much of a better situation I can be in right now if I just applied myself. Story since like 8th grade. For awhile I thought I reached my ceiling but naw man, not the case. It’s taken like a month of summer for me to get stir crazy. Like I’m starting to crave results. I want all the results in the world but I don’t think I’m willing to do the work. I mean I want to, but I don’t. So I’m coming to a boiling point basically, I’m going to see which one overrides the other, which one wins. If I truly want to change, to get results, to be great, to grow the fuck up, I gotta start doin shit. Otherwise I’m going to be forced to be content with mediocrity. Time is running out, I’m a sophomore in college. Try hard and not be scared. Try hard to do your taxes, fill out W2’s, try hard to write more and go after jobs, try hard in school and make my parents happy. Don’t be scared of growing up. I thought I crossed this bridge, and in a way I think I did. Like I had my midlife crisis at 18, I was scared to fucking death about graduating high school. Like the biggest chapter of my life was over and now I’m starting a new one, a huge chunk closer to my death. But a year removed I think I’m just numb to it. Instead of coming to terms with it, I realize now I just ignored it. I just let this play out a little longer and realized it wasn’t so bad. A little after my freakout, I thought I was cool with growing up and was excited to start this new chapter, like it would be so great and awesome and fulfilling and I would just reap the rewards. But now I realize I’m just numb to the fact that I’m a college student and in the glory days of my life. Numb because I also realize it’s not really that much different from my old life. I kinda settled back into a comfort zone, gave into bad habits. Not really gave in actually, habits I just never actually broke. I didn’t hit the ground running, I flopped down and never moved my feet, just allowed myself to get dragged along. I lived in the moment too long. Soaked it up too much. Used it as an excuse too much. A sorry, overused, bad excuse. “Ahhh, I’m a college freshman, the world is at my fingertips, I got my whole life ahead to grow old, let me just drink and live like this take it all in because I’m never gonna get it back blahblahblah”. OVER IT. Cause you know what? It’s not that tight. Just like no one gives a shit about who you were in high school, no one is gonna give a shit about who you were in college. Glad I realize this right now, instead of after I graduate. I mean shit, I’m still gonna always be a kid at heart, but I think I’m gonna be more serious. I have big life decisions ahead, and I don’t gotta solve them right now, but I gotta put myself in a good position to figure it out, to make it easier on myself down the road. I need to get involved. I need to be productive. Every single thing I do needs to benefit myself in someway. Try hard. Not be scared.
Fuck this whole thing took a nasty direction, I wanted to keep it light n shit. But I feel better, I’ll sleep good tonight. Who the fuck am I talking to? Who reads this? Goodnight Ben Affleck.
your pseudo-bohemian appearance and vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs, you know nothing about art or sex that you couldn’t read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine. PROTOTYPICAL NON-CONFORMIST, you are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo. You adhere to a set of standards and states that appear to be predetermined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (BULLSHIT) giving the thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art (GO ANALOG BABY, YOU’RE SO POSTMODERN). You’re diving face forwards into an antiquated path, it’s disgusting, it’s offensive, DON’T STICK YOUR NOSE UP AT ME
was everything expected/wanted and then some. I love how much it has grown from last year, it’s something Houston really needs. Saturday started at 11:30 and wouldn’t end. Like it started out really fun and then I died, came back to life, and then died again and stayed dead until Girl Talk revived me. In between though I throughly enjoyed Wild Moccasins, Ra Ra Riot, and supermetal Golden Axe. Everyone else who played on the main stage was shit. I bet it would have been better though, if the sun was raping every last bit of hydration from my body. But not that much, cause the bands really weren’t as good as the others. And between the alcohol and the sun and the steep hill, I was positive I was reaching the end. For like 2 minutes I thought there was no way Girl Talk was worth it, and I just wanted to be home and in my bed and asleep. But holy fuck was I wrong. Mashups are just so much goddamn fun. It’s like every awesome song in the world played at once. But really it’s like a bunch of really shitty songs played together at once for white people to dance to. Seriously there were no black people, but I’m sure everyone felt black and awesome for that hour long dj set. It was a borderline religious experience, I can’t explain it. Just a sea of people, dancing, to songs that you have to hear to believe. Fireworks finished it off, and it was literally perfect. Fireworks make everything so much more epic. And then the car ride after to Denny’s was terrible and I almost died but air conditioning and food helped. Slept so fucking good. There was really no way I could have survived another 11 hour day on that hill, so we didn’t leave till like 4, and as soon as I got on 610, a monsoon engulfed Houston. Like a bad one, where I’m going 40 on the highway and I still can’t see shit on the road. Thankfully though it passed by the time we walked through the gates and the sun was starting to come back up. Sucks for everyone else though who suffered through the storm. Everything was so muddy and gross, the hill and the grass and the blankets we sat on. But it was worth it. Stars were really good, even though I only saw like half the set. Panda Express was delicious though. SLIM THUGGA MOTHAFUCKAAA tore shit up. I don’t know how much of Slim Thug’s performance was actually reallly good, and how good it sounded just cause I had been drinking. It was like the peak of my drunkenness, but it was actually really fun. Slim Thug and Bun B reppin for Screwston and the dirty south. And then the Flaming Lips. Fucking legends. Wayne Coyne is the definition of cool. He’s so old but he throws down. So much confetti and giant balloons and good music. It made me forget how muddy and gross everything was and helped me just live in the fucking moment. Do You Realize is such a beautiful song, and a beautiful way to end SummerFest. And then Denny’s again was rly good. I feel like the summer is officially ushered in. I love this city so much, and hopefully SummerFest keeps growing and growing. Everyone needs it.