dysentery gary

what’s left to lose? you’ve done enough

and if you fail well then you fail but not to us

cause these last 3 years,

i know they’ve been hard

but now it’s time to get out of the desert and into the sun

even if it’s alone

throw away your paper

go to the country

build you a home

plant a little garden

eat a lot of peaches

try and find Jesus on your own

buying screenwriting software. but it’s $186 on amazon. i wish shit didn’t cost so much money, i can’t imagine what i’m gonna do when i have to fucking pay for a house mortgage and car bills and shit. but maybe i can use this 186 as an investment for the future, like if i drop this 186 now i can write a kick ass script and sell it to a bullshit movie company and get a career going and shit. i mean i have plenty of really awesome ideas but i can’t share them on tumblr. (cause people will steal them). but maybe dreams should stay dreams, so they always seem beautiful and you have something to look forward to. <—- thats what i tell myself cause i’m scared to get started and then i won’t finish cause i’m a little kid who never follows through with anything, and maybe my ideas aren’t as good as i think they are, i need a master splinter or something, or a mr feeney, to keep me motivated and tell me to keep keepin’ on and follow my dreams shit. fuck man i just wanna keep watching it’s always sunny in philadelphia, the next episode is where sweet d does steroids. oh and one day i want so much money where i don’t have to think about anything, especially money. like pay someone to count and keep track of my money and do the thing rich people do where they turn money into more money. i think an accountant, or an investment banker is the word i’m looking for. or maybe not, i wouldn’t know cause i don’t have enough money for one those things. i keep all my money on my checking account, what the fuck i prolly can’t live like that for too much longer, i’m almost 20. but i think that would be kinda tight to be like 34 and not have a savings account and just pay shit off my credit card. so potential ladies take note, i’m gonna (maybe) be so famous i’ll pay bills off the same credit card i’ve had since i was 16. i don’t like change.

but i think i’ll close this by stating the obvious: katy perry is really fucking hot.

but we didn’t break them in for you. 

it’s weird how i can like a little pop-punk band so much. it gets me pumped, feelin all youthful and shit. but even the lyrics are so fucking awesome. i’ve been on the lookout for the past like 3 months trying to see if they’re passing through houston again. but seriously do yourself a favor and at least get your hands on this ep:

keep an open mind, don’t take it too seriously at first cause it’ll grow on you and you’ll wanna listen to fireworks and you don’t know why. but then after awhile you know why, it’s cause they’re fucking awesome.

Friends are your friends not your fucking competition.

I spend the majority of my time standing by the bar and I overhear people’s conversations. Not because I want to, I just can’t help it. And a lot of the time I’m reminded as to just how fucking stupid people are. Like I’ve worked there almost a year and I’ve heard intelligent people converse like twice. Anyway today at like 6:30 this lady prolly in her mid to late 20s was like “I can’t believe the USA lost to fucking Ghana, what the hell this is America how are we not good at soccer? Like how can we be so great at everything else but not soccer? We’re literally awesome at everything, except soccer it doesn’t make sense”. What doesn’t make sense is if America is so great and awesome, why do we let an ignorant dog-faced bitch like you live in this country? I hate literally everybody.

I’m on the cusp of a big lifestyle change. But it’s a big cusp. A big sobering cusp. And maybe that’s what life is. A big fucking experience that’s over your head until you’re sober enough to get the real picture. However, some stuff I just don’t want to be sober for. It’s not that I can’t handle them/it while sober, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to change everything I’m doing cause the whole thing isn’t broke, just parts of it. I can’t wrap my head around certain things, and that’s why I’m on the other side of the cusp. I’ve had some time away, and it’s been nice. I don’t need substances. I found alternate forms entertainment. I mean I guess I still like the way I was living before, it wasn’t bad. Just feeling static weighs be down. I felt like I wasn’t going anywhere. I wasn’t moving, and I could tell I’d start to sink eventually. I wish there was a way where I can change mostly, but still remain the same a lil bit. Have it both ways. Have my cake and eat it too. And that in itself is why I’m not ready to change. I’m scared and nervous and unsure, not completely trusting. Everything I’ve gathered and studied tells me I absolutely WON’T change or truly find happiness and joy and acceptance and unparalleled love and success beyond measurable comprehension unless I TOTALLY change the way I’ve been living the past 19 years. The resentment I have towards the change is the telling factor, it reminds me all the thoughts I’ve have about this are a farce, it’s just a lie I tell myself to help me get by. I don’t really and truly believe, I’m not ready. But no lie, I do feel better. I’ve started the transition ever so slightly, and my life did improve over time. I’m in a better place than I was a couple years ago. I was a scared little 17 year old shit who didn’t give two fucks one way or the other, who didn’t have an opinion on this matter and was content with being alone in the universe and wanted to face it alone, head on, gut it out for myself and only myself. But now I’m an unsure 19 year old boy who realizes just how foolish it is to reject help. It’s right there, for literally everyone. He does not care one way or other either, you can reject His love no skin off His back. You’re not doing Him any favors, but it’s there on the table. The tools. The love. The promise. It is what you make of it. I’ve come to terms with all of this, and yet STILL I don’t know if it’s what I want. I’ve experienced the most minuscule example of what it can do, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to accept it. I’m not convinced. And that’s just where the leap of faith comes in. Close my eyes and jump. I know what’s going to happen though, something is going to catch me, and all signs point and tell me it will be the best decision of my life, and yet still I remain. It’s bad habits I guess. My trip to the dentist today confirmed I have bad habits, I need to floss more.

Also, I’ve given much thought as to why some choose to reject Christianity and religion in general. I’ve found contradictions just like some (or so they think) find contradictions in the Bible, which further proves that man is fallible, no matter how strong or right they think they are. IF one is truly content with being the center of his universe, whole-heartedly believes there’s no such thing as a higher power, and rejects the concept of God, why is he constantly trying to alter his own perception of reality? If the answers are out there for science to find, is a drug-indunced trip going to enlighten them? I don’t understand how one can prefer that to the concept of God. If the answers aren’t there for one to find through religion, are you going to discover them through your acid-colored glasses? If it’s up to you to find truths about yourself and the world you live in, how are drugs beneficial to the task at hand/your health? I just don’t see what good can come from using, can’t see how you’re productive. Except this. —_>http://www.sirbacon.org/4membersonly/docellis.htm. Furreal, that’s pretty badass. And I’m not saying one can’t be a productive and suitable member of society while using drugs, I’m not saying drugs are bad, idgaf what you chose to do with your life, (but hope someday you can be more open to the concept of religion/see where I’m coming from), but I’m saying if you condone religion and reject looking to God for answers, why do you instead want to search for something in drugs? What makes them so appealing other than altering your godless world, where you’re at the epicenter, and on your own in finding out life’s answers? All of this is purely on my own assumption I’m making about atheists being drug users. I know it’s dumb to assume and all of this can be completely wrong, but it’s how I see it and what I make of it. And also, making assumptions about Christians as a whole is exactly what atheists do, so I think it’s fair. But yeah, cool. Goodnight. 

In The Crossing where Billy shoots the she wolf in the head while hundreds of mexicans are watching. I am sad.

buuuuuut also many things remain certain. For example, driving at night has to be the most relaxing, peaceful, wonderful, and refreshing experiences known to man. I’m always down for a night drive, alone or with another, just music, highway, and thoughts.

Also I love downtown Houston. Even on a Monday night without shit to do, I still managed to enjoy myself. California Girls by Katy Perry is so fucking awesome and catchy, especially late at night on Richmond. Car dancing is equally exhilarating and refreshing as night driving. It’s definitely summer in the city. Long hot humid nights. Wouldn’t wanna have it any other way.